Elizabeth - the 1st page of a story

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Annis
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Elizabeth - the 1st page of a story

Post by Annis »

The rest of the story is certified 18 - so you're not reading it! BUt you can read the first page, here it goes:

Elizabeth

1565

The sun was beating down on Elizabeth’s pale skin as she trotted on her dainty toes towards the woods that lay close to her home in the countryside. Her feet led her to the cool breeze within the woods where the sun played patterns on the ground as the trees swayed with the gentle wind. The snap of small branches under Elizabeth’s feet startled a raven sitting upon one of the tall dark trees. The raven, spreading its wings wide, took flight and Elizabeth followed.
If the raven flew for miles, Elizabeth did not know for she was entranced in, what she thought, was a beautiful bird, its colours the same as what she was wearing. The raven perched, Elizabeth stopped. She saw that the bird had led her to a large square tower, the only part standing of the old castle ruins. The raven took its flight again and went inside the tower, Elizabeth followed.
The tower was dark and cold, unlike it was outside. Elizabeth climbed the narrow spiral staircase, noting the sword marks upon the stone wall from when there was many a battle within the castle walls. She came across the raven perched on the wind hole looking at her with his black beady eyes. As Elizabeth approached, the raven took flight yet again. Elizabeth saw that it flew up, mayhap to the next wind hole.
Elizabeth reached the next wind hole and again, the raven flew away. Elizabeth was about to follow when she heard voices coming from behind a door nearby. With great care Elizabeth took hold of the latch and pushed open the door. The door led her onto a walkway above a chamber in which there were many men gathered around a board that would be big enough to hold a feast. Elizabeth lifted her kirtle and walked quietly on her toes to the nearest stone pillar. When she thought it was safe, she moved to the next, until she was half way round the chamber, where she crouched down to listen.
From what Elizabeth heard, the men were plotting - But to who? - Elizabeth asked herself.
‘We must kill him! We must kill Sir Henry Cavendish’
Elizabeth took a sharp intake of breath, she knew Sir Henry Cavendish, and she did not want the vile man in the chamber to kill him.
‘What was that? I heard something, something from up there’ raged the man once he had heard Elizabeth’s gasp. Heavy footsteps were heard on the stone staircase when the man had sent someone to find who made the noise. The door that Elizabeth walked through not long ago was thrown open, there was no escape. Elizabeth was looking for a way to get out, but it was too late, a heavy hand fell upon her shoulder…
"They call me 'quiet girl', but I'm a riot"

Ellen Gethin

Elizabeth

Post by Ellen Gethin »

Ah, this reminds me of the serials they used to run in June and Schoolfriend comic (though they weren't 18 rated, of course!). Intrepid heroine discovers dastardly plot but is captured before she can tell anyone - now read on....

A question - why did she follow the raven? It seems it was taking her to the exact location that the plotters were plotting, at exactly the right time - so does Elizabeth have some sort of magical power that the raven is leading her there? If not, it seems an awfully big coincidence.

Also, what is a nicely brought up young girl doing wandering about the countryside on her own in 1565?

Guest

Post by Guest »

hmmm...good questions....
at the moment, all i can answer is with -> it's a story, anything can happen.
Ravens were her favorite bird, i dont know if it said that in the extract

Annis x

Ellen Gethin

Elizabeth

Post by Ellen Gethin »

"it's a story, anything can happen."

Well, to a certain extent - I mean, Our Heroine couldn't take out her mobile phone and call for help in a story set in 1565.

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Annis
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Re: Elizabeth

Post by Annis »

Ellen Gethin wrote:Our Heroine couldn't take out her mobile phone and call for help in a story set in 1565.
Yes, all right, I'm not that daffy!!


Annis x
"They call me 'quiet girl', but I'm a riot"

guthrie
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Post by guthrie »

HHMMM.
Are you writing just for your own amusement, or do you want to reach a wider audience?
If the first, you might not like to read much further.
If the second, you perhaps should.



I would like to suggest that you re-write at least the beggining. eg.

The sun beat down on elisabeths fair skin, as she trotted towards the woods. Once in their shade, she

The raven spread its wings and took flight, and Elisabeth followed it, entranced by its beauty, the way its black wings matched her clothes, how it bobbed up and down in flight.
It flew on for miles, but Elisabeths dainty feet never tired of carrying her through the countryside. Eventually the raven stopped, perching on a rock high in th air, and she realised it had led her to a the ruined castle that she had ((insert whatever you like about history of said castle, who she heard about it from, etc))

The raven took flight again, swooping into the old tower by a narrow window near the top.

-----
Ok, enough of that. I think you need to work on making your sentences more flowing, easier to read.
In the later part, when she overhears the conspirators, how do we, the reader, know that the man who rages is vile? There is no prefiguring of it; if you say that she was struck by this mans piggy eyes, bald head, shoddy clothing etc, then we might swallow vile, but without any information beforehand, its going a bit far.
Also, with a ruinied tower, I would not expect the tower to be so huge that she can enter it, climb up the stairs, and then stand on wooden beams overlooking a large interior space. It really streatches my incredulity.
She could of course dodge a guard, or by following the raven take the unguarded way into the tower, say through a hole in the wall, and then hear voices after climbing to the first floor (which would have a vaulted stone floor) and then get caught.
Anyway, thats enough for now. I hope what i've said isnt too harsh sounding.

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